Blowing things up … and out of all proportion, too.

I read in this morning’s Daily Telegraph (‘the paper that supports the rule of law’, so it must be true), that police in London blew up a tourist’s car after he parked it on a double yellow line.

That was telling him, and no mistake!

It seems the car had broken down in the early hours and the driver, instead of waiting for the repair man to arrive, left a note on the dashboard and beetled off to see Buckingham Palace, before the Queen was up.

When he returned, some time later, he found his car a smouldering wreck, and in several more pieces than he’d left it.  To rub salt into the wound, our brave men in blue had stuck a note to what remained of his windscreen, announcing he’d been fined, too, for putting them to so much trouble.

His note had read,  “Dear Sir or Madam, this car is broken. I am just waiting for the AA to arrive. Please do not fine! Thank you, yours sincerely.”

The police were having none of that and promptly called in the Army to stick a bomb under it, just in case the boot was packed with travelling Taliban.

Our police are well known for taking no chances where ‘terror’ is concerned.  A few years back, they shot a man several times on the Tube for being Brazilian and wearing a heavy coat in the summer.   All those involved were promoted for their trouble, and also to send out a message that wearing an overcoat in June wouldn’t be tolerated, however bad the weather.

So, all in all, the tourist got off lightly.   If Cressida Dick had had her way, they’d have gunned him down like the dog he was,

I’m getting off lightly myself just now.   The bathroom is beginning to take shape.  Though the sink is still out,  the new bath’s in and Dave’s about to start work on dismantling the shower.

I asked him what he thought of the way our tourist’s car had been dismantled.  Dave doesn’t have a lot of time for London, having once stayed in a B&B off the Edgware Road and woken up to find a rat on his pillow.

He says it served the man right,  and he was lucky the police didn’t hide round the corner and shoot him in the back fifty times just to get a medal.  And possibly a hug from Ms Dick.

I must remember not to ask Dave any unnecessary questions in future.

Thought for the Day

‘I once applied to join the police force.  I didn’t get in, though. I took the Intelligence Test.  And, unfortunately, I passed.’

Anon (for obvious reasons)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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