An elephant in the room…

Dave has phoned.

Apparently, he was at his Pilates class last night and had switched his mobile off.  He forgot to turn it on again when he finished,   so only got my message this morning.

I find it hard to imagine Dave rolling around on a mat, dressed in a leotard.  It just goes to show we all have hidden depths.

He’s still doing things in someone’s loft, but says he will ‘nip along after dinner’.

I have my dinner at 7 in the evening, but am aware workmen always have theirs at 12 – when I am having my lunch.

So I wasn’t surprised when he pitched up at 12.45, clutching his mastic gun.  Mastic is Dave’s answer to everything.

He examined the loo,  flushed it several times (I think he likes the sound), then closed off a valve and removed the cistern.   After screwing, tightening and fiddling with various bits and pieces, he emptied mastic into every crevice he could find.

‘You could drop an elephant on that now,’ he said, ‘and nothing would budge’.   I’m not sure that’s what I want to hear.   What if something ever needs to be budged?

But I don’t say that, of course.   No point galloping off to greet trouble just yet.

Half an hour after Dave leaves, another puddle begins to form.  If anything, this one is bigger than before.

I phone him at once,  but his mobile goes to voice mail.   Possibly he’s stretching a hamstring for pleasure, or jumping up and down on the spot and can’t, for technical reasons,  be disturbed.

I find myself wondering where we can hire an elephant at short notice.  To test his latest theory.

Thought for the Day

‘Start every day with a smile – and get it over with.’

 WC Fields (1880-1946)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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