Do-nuts all round…

Dave is not a happy man.

He phoned me back on Thursday evening, and declared himself baffled.  The distress in his voice was evident.  He clearly regards this latest setback as a personal affront.

I’m none too happy about it myself.

He returned yesterday morning.   It took him the best part of an hour to wrench our elephant-proof cistern away from the wall,  and undo all of Thursday’s work.  Having studied the innards from every conceivable angle, he puffed his cheeks and ruefully informed me that,  ‘it needs a new do-nut’.

For one dreadful moment, I feared he’d finally lost his reason. Had mastic had its day?  Were fried desserts his plumbing tool of preference now?    A crazy thought, I know, but with Dave all things seem possible.

Fortunately, the ‘do-nut’ turned out to be a rubber washer, and not a small, sugary treat.  Dave had a spare in his van, which he welded into place with glue.  The usual procedure followed: screwing, tightening, fiddling and – no surprise – more mastic.

After he had finished, Dave flushed the loo seven times (I counted!), and pronounced the cistern finally – and officially – leak-free.

Which it was.

Until about 20 minutes after he had left.

I phoned him again.  He’d just got home.

I can’t be certain, but, just before he put the receiver down, I thought I heard him start to cry.

He’s coming back on Tuesday morning.

With a brand-new cistern.

He says that will solve the problem once and for all.

I’m saying nothing.

Thought for the Day

‘He’s turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.   Now he’s miserable and depressed.’

David Frost (TVam, 1984)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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9 Responses to Do-nuts all round…

  1. Daron Henson says:

    “Do-nuts all around…” is a very interesting post. I could tell you had fun with the literary creation. Thank you.

    • chestercrump says:

      It made me hungry writing it. Fortunately, I didn’t succumb. I much prefer the jam-filled variety. I can’t see the rubber versions catching on – not unless they flavour them with something tasty. In the meantime – many thanks for taking the trouble to comment!

  2. Hi Chester, you crack me up. Very funny. Good thing you didn’t have to use the elephant for the final test. I can just hear the animal rights activists calling on you to make sure you did not actually use an elephant. Keep us laughing!

    • chestercrump says:

      What about an elephant-flavoured do-nut? That’s an idea whose time has surely come? Personally, given my background, I’ve always felt that Gorgonzola would add a new dimension to the world of small, sugary treats. But I’m probably biased. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it. (And let’s hope no animal rights folk are looking in, or I’m scuppered for sure!)

  3. Dean Gregory says:

    Personally, if I were having that much trouble with a toilet, I’d have long since given up by now. I think it’s time you resort to a hole in the ground… It’s not as aesthetically pleasing, but at least it won’t leak…

    • chestercrump says:

      A hole in the ground? You may have something there. (Though I suppose, strictly speaking, if it’s a hole then there’s nothing there.) And, of course, while Dave wasn’t looking, if my hand were to accidentally slip, and he fell into the hole…? No – don’t go putting ideas into my head! Many thanks for your continued interest in my small, imperfectly formed ramblings. 🙂

  4. Her Indoors says:

    It’s Tuesday evening – what’s the latest? I now realise the meaning of toilet humour!

    • chestercrump says:

      You’re the latest! What kept you? ‘Toilet humour’? Damn – why didn’t I think of that? Well done. You win a prize. Take something out of your larder and eat it. Spare no expense – just don’t send me the bill.

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