Happy Birthday, Malcolm…

It’s Malcolm’s birthday next week.

Malcolm, as you will know if you’ve been paying attention so far,  and read the appropriate post, is Mrs C’s sister Doris’s husband.   In Kent.

Mrs C has chosen a card befitting the occasion.  It has a bucolic flavour – lots of flowers, two bumble bees and a small lake.   With a broken-down farmhouse in the background.

Doris likes flowers.  I don’t think Malcolm holds any strong views either way,  but that’s beside the point.  The important thing is that Doris approves.

I have also chosen a card for Malcolm, but will not be sending it.  If I did, I think that Malcolm,  a God-fearing man who doesn’t hold with anything vulgar unless it shows the devil in a bad light, would have a fit.

I’m appending an image of the card below and think you’ll see why it might not be to his taste.

(Click on above image to enlarge)

Elsewhere in the news, Dave turned up yesterday morning and installed our third – and hopefully final – cistern.  I didn’t like to mention it until now in case it leaked, leapt off the wall or in any other way disappointed.

So far nothing has gone wrong.  It would appear that, against all the odds,  our bathroom saga may have reached its conclusion.  If so, we may all have heard the last of Dave – a ship who didn’t so much pass us in the night as hole us beneath the water line,  then steam off and leave us for dead.

I don’t know whether to be pleased or disappointed.

In a peculiar way,  I think it’s a little bit of each.

Thought for the Day

‘It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to act as a warning to others.’

John Kirinrich (whoever he is)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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