Cheese, superheroes, and a letter to the Beano…

I’ve received a complaint.

A reader has emailed to express his dismay that my blog does not, as he had hoped, chronicle the adventures of freedom-fighting cheese.

It’s a fair point.   I made a killing on cheddar in the 1980s.    Having sold the business to a Frenchman, and retired on the proceeds,  cheese has, in a manner of speaking,  set me free.

But not, I appreciate, the rest of you.

It got me to thinking, though.  In the world of villain-bashing superheroes,  there’s a severe dearth of those who rely on the power of cheese to carry the day.

Whither Gorgonzola Girl, for example?  Or Wensleydale Woman?   Brie Boy, Red Leicester and the Camembert Kid?    The list goes on.

It seems to me that comic book writers are missing a trick – and failing to cash in on a wide range of food-related tales of derring-do.

I don’t get on with all vegetables, and would be happy to boo a villain called The Human Leek.   I’m not sure what his powers would be – possibly the ability to make you feel slightly unwell.  I’m not a writer myself, so leave that job to those who know their trade.

I’m thinking of sending a letter to the Beano, and giving them first refusal on the project.

If you’re keen to be involved, drop me a comment, and I’ll add your name to the ‘team’.   The more ideas we have,  the more it will impress them.   Dennis the Menace was fine in his day, but times have moved on and they’ll be grateful for a nudge.

Who knows – if an editor bites,  cheese may set us all free, after all!

I don’t want to be forced to change the name of the blog, just because someone threatens to sue.   It’s taken me long enough to get five readers.  If I start up somewhere else,  you may never find me again.

Mrs C says you may not even go looking.  (I don’t think she’s got over last week’s raincoat fiasco yet.)

Thought for the Day

‘The pig, if I am not mistaken,

Supplies us sausage, ham and bacon.

Let others say his heart is big –

I call it stupid of the pig.’

Ogden Nash, ‘The Pig’ (1933)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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8 Responses to Cheese, superheroes, and a letter to the Beano…

  1. Bobino says:

    I agree, the time for cheese super heroes has arrived – what about The Primula Pouncer?

    • chestercrump says:

      That’s the sort of blue-sky thinking I was hoping for. I’ve added your suggestion to my list, and have emailed the Beano direct.

      Should they decide to turn it into a film, do you have any thoughts on who might play the title role?

  2. Bobino says:

    Perhaps Harrison Feta from Raiders of the lost Quark

  3. Chester: Set your cheese free and if it comes back, it’s yours. But if you set it free and it doesn’t come back, it never was (yours . . . or . . . real). Chedder the thought!

    • chestercrump says:

      I had a dream last night: slices of cheese running around on little legs and trying to take over the world. I think you may have started something! I’ve set it all free. If it does come back, I’m giving it your address! 🙂

  4. Son of Parme says:

    Chester minute, I believe marvel comics issue 126 featured a cheesy character called Master Manchego who was eventually defeated by a hot bird, hot you ask, yes, for she was wearing a Scotch Bonnet

    • chestercrump says:

      Hot stuff, indeed! Which is what we need at this ‘chili’ time of the year. This post is now ‘peppered’ with a range of comments more interesting than the original story itself. You are clearly an aficionado. Do you have s secret identity in mind for ‘Scotch Bonnet’? Carrie B. Anne Pepper, possibly? Or am I just being silly now? Thank you for your comment. Consider yourself added to the list!

  5. Pingback: We can all sleep soundly in our beds… | Cheese Will Set Us Free

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