Beware of shiny places…

Our home is spotless at the best of times.   Mrs C would sooner slice off her legs with a rusty spoon than leave a cobweb dangling free.   Even so, there’s nothing like the prospect of a visitor to have her flying round the rooms like a robin on speed.   She’s gone through three dusters since breakfast-time and the house reeks of polish.

No surface has been left untouched.   At lunch,  I rested an arm on the table for a moment, and slid facedown into a Waldorf salad.   We have timber floors throughout the house;   I’m giving all the rugs a wide berth just now,  for fear of hurtling across the room and out through an open window.

Bernard arrives tomorrow evening.  I spoke to him on the telephone this morning.  He was breathless with excitement.  Or possibly he was just breathless.  With Bernard one can’t always be sure.  He’s a little on the large side, takes no exercise to speak of,  and likes a small whisky in the afternoon.   On a bad day,  getting out of bed tests his body to the limit.

Mrs C worries about him and is determined he’ll have a good time.  Not,  I suspect,  as good as the time his wife, Norma will have while he’s away.

I don’t say this to the current Mrs C, of course.  As I’ve mentioned before, she dotes on the old boy, and at my age it’s foolish to take unnecessary risks.

Meanwhile,  the London Olympics begin tomorrow.  As the following cutting reminds us:

 (Click on above image to enlarge)

Thought for the Day

‘Someone has finally found the perfect job for David Beckham at the London Olympics.  He’s been appointed chief javelin catcher.’



About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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4 Responses to Beware of shiny places…

  1. Hey! How about a picture of the “rat race”? Hmmmm, maybe not. It might be an insult to the Brits.
    I look forward to your comments.

    • chestercrump says:

      I shall be watching the opening ceremony on the telly tonight – with Bernard probably fast asleep in the chair opposite. I’ve no doubt it will be splendid – and much better than as depicted in the cutting. If there are fireworks involved, and loud noises, I’ll turn up the sound. If Bernard wakes up, he’ll take one look and think we’ve gone to war again.

  2. Have you warned Bernard to avoid the rugs? I worry about him skidding across the floor. Or perhaps the Cheese household has just invented a new Olympic rug sliding sport?

    • chestercrump says:

      Yikes! I knew there was something I’d forgotten. Many thanks. He’d be on to one of those ‘no win, no fee’ firms like a shot. That would be my pension out of the window. (Much like him, possibly.)

      I love the idea of a new Olympic rug sliding sport. You may be on to something there. I’ll drop the IOC a line at once – and give you full credit!

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