Lost in transit…


Bernard has caught the wrong train.  Instead of heading north – as both he and his ticket intended – he’s currently en route to the south-west, in the general direction of Cornwall.  Short of a catastrophic, convenient and, let’s not fool ourselves, highly unlikely movement in the earth’s tectonic plates – one that shifts either us or him in the right direction – he won’t be here in time for tea.

Bernard doesn’t own a mobile phone, but prevailed upon a lady in the seat behind to lend him hers.

I took the call, and quickly wished I hadn’t.    With all the attendant noise of a high-speed carriage and children in the background,   I struggled with the fact that a perfect stranger had rung to tell me – three times in a row – that he was ‘on the game’.  I was about to put the phone down when I belatedly realised it was Bernard;  and that he had embarked not on a new career but simply in the wrong direction.

Cut a long story short, he’d had a couple of drinks, then nodded off in first class.   The ticket collector must have taken one look and decided to leave well alone.   Result:  the silly old fool was just a few miles from Penzance before he realised what had happened.

It seems there’s no train back today, so he’ll stay the night and travel up first thing tomorrow.

Mrs C is beside herself,  and blames Norma who, she insists, must have left him on the wrong platform.  Apparently, Mrs F dropped him off,  couldn’t find anywhere to park, so wished him well,  put her foot down  and was gone in a puff of smoke.   And who, I felt, could blame her?

It means I can at least enjoy the opening ceremony of the London Olympics – without our man falling asleep and snoring through all the good bits.

I’m off now, but, before I do, here’s another photograph I’ve just found.  I don’t know who thinks them up:

(Click on above image to enlarge)

Thought for the Day

‘Most foreign tourists know that in London they are encouraged to take a piece of fruit, free of charge, from any open-air stall or display.’

Michael Lipton (‘Unhelpful Advice for Foreign Tourists’)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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2 Responses to Lost in transit…

  1. Dean Gregory says:

    Poor old Bernard. Are you sure he’s definitely a person? He sounds rather like a lost sheep…

    • chestercrump says:

      Bernard not a person? He’s as real as I am. 🙂

      My posts can only get better now he’s coming to stay. All together now: that’s because he’s always … raising the baa. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

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