Bernard reveals himself…

Bernard wants to speak to me, ‘man to man’.

For the male of the species, these are words to send a chill down the spine.  Emotions may be involved, souls bared and even, on occasion, an attempt to hug.     Fortunately, I’ve known Bernard long enough to realise that when he says one thing, he generally means another.   And it never involves a hug.

As it turns out, he says he’s decided to take the plunge and stand for Parliament at the next by-election.  He doesn’t mind where it is and, if he fails – which is, I imagine, quite likely – he’ll stand again at the one after that; and the one after that, too, until he wears the voters down and they tick the box marked ‘Fling’ just to get him off their backs.

He’s prepared his manifesto – in the form of a book, provisionally entitled ‘X Marks The Spot’ – and has prevailed upon me to post some details elsewhere on this blog.   Mrs C prevailed upon me, too, which swung the matter in his favour.    Anything for a quiet life.

He’s been with us two days now, having arrived without further mishap late Saturday afternoon, and spent most of yesterday sleeping off his journey.

Last night, he showed me the following photo, which he keeps in his wallet and takes out to cheer himself up at times of crisis.  It looks well worn, which doesn’t surprise me:

(Click on above image to enlarge)

He says he may use it in his campaign literature.  It will, he suggests, show the voters that he’s ‘one of the people’.   What ‘people’, he doesn’t specify and I inquire no further.

In the meantime, I’ve received some more fan mail.  I found the following particularly moving:

this is amazing

I’ve no idea what to make of the next one:

i think it should have more educational articles like yours, so everyone would be able to learn something new

And finally – best of all:

please keep on posting such quality

I think they’re confusing me with someone else.

Thought for the Day

‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.’

Sir Ernest Benn (quoted in the Observer, 1930)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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