The key to success…

Bernard is on his high horse.

A leaflet popped through our letterbox this morning, offering the services of a local ‘handyman’.  From the curiously diverse nature of his skills,  I can only assume he’s a professional chap fallen on hard times.   Possibly a lawyer, or a doctor down on his luck.

As well as ‘mowing your lawn’ and ‘taking your rubbish to the tip’,  he claims to be an ‘expert locksmith’.

He concludes his advert with the following:  ‘If you are locked out of the house and have lost your keys, give me a call.  I’ll have you through the door before you know it’.

Bernard is convinced the man is either a fraud or a fool.

‘What’s to stop me,’ he says, ‘from pitching up outside a fellow’s house when I know he’s not in; then ringing this chap to say I’ve locked myself out and must get in pronto because I’ve a weak bladder and don’t want to wet myself in front of the neighbours?’

He has a point, of course.   Burglars have an easy enough time as it is,  and rarely get caught.  Even when they do, they tend to escape with a cuff round the ear and a polite request not to do it again.   This man could, I imagine, make their lives easier still if they rang him on his mobile, once they’d ‘cased’ a likely looking joint, and span him an acceptable yarn.

Personally,  I’m more intrigued by the idea that someone might have the foresight to carry this piece of paper with them at all times – possibly for years – on the off-chance they’d one day leave their keys at home or drop them down a drain.

Equally unlikely, I imagine, would be to find one’s self locked out just as our man – or a member of his family – turns up with said leaflet and tries to push it under your door.  That would, of course, be a remarkable stroke of good luck – though what the odds are, I wouldn’t care to say.

I offer Bernard a second glass of whisky and he quietens down.  After a third, he falls asleep, and snores all through the 10 o’clock news.

It features a report that says burglaries are on the increase, so perhaps it’s just as well.

Thought for the Day

‘He came from a long line of criminals.  His father was the local MP, as was his father before him.’

King Charles the Bald (840–877) (later Holy Roman Emperor 875-877)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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3 Responses to The key to success…

  1. You mean to say you don’t have a useful number filed under Locksmith on your mobile phone along with Doctor and Breakdown Service?

    • chestercrump says:

      Mobile phones aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. For a start, it’s difficult to get a lead long enough to get you to the end of the street, let alone down to the shops and back.

  2. Pingback: Fur better or worse… | Cheese Will Set Us Free

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