All is well again…

What a week it’s been!

I’ve been offline since Friday last, though not through choice.   Some will have feared the worst and wondered if I’d met with misadventure.    You were right.     I have.   And its name is Bernard.

It happened like this.

Mrs C has long hankered after a phone in the bedroom, so that, should we be burgled late at night, she can summon help from beneath the sheets.  All supposing our police are keeping unusual hours and not burgling a house themselves.  (Possibly our house – nothing would surprise me.)

A mobile phone would meet our need – but Mrs C won’t let one through the door, having read a notice in the doctor’s surgery that claimed they melt the brain and give you haemorrhoids.

Bernard announced that he had fitted an extension or two in his time.  It was a simple job and he was happy to ‘place himself at our disposal’.  Eager to indulge her sibling genius, Mrs C gave him the go ahead.  Armed with a drill, a knife and several yards of plastic cabling, our man set to work.

Call me old-fashioned, but, in my opinion, whisky and a lethal power source don’t go together.   Five minutes into the task and he’d cut through some serious wiring.   We hadn’t just lost the phone, we’d lost everything else.  Even the oven – and that runs on gas.

Bernard’s immediate response was to pour himself ‘a stiff one’.  Mine was to hit him over the head with a hammer.  I didn’t, of course.  As I’ve mentioned previously, the current Mrs C dotes on the old devil and, in the long run, I’d have come off worse.

Cut to the chase, we had to call in a man.  (Thanks to Harold, whose phone was working. Fortunately, he bears no grudges for his recent mishap, and lent me his Pay As You Go. It was the size of a brick,  so I think he’d had it a long time.  It wasn’t the phone he used for work, he assured me, though if anyone rang through and asked for ‘entertainment’, I was to tell him at once.)

I didn’t tell Mrs C,of course (for fear she’d have a seizure!), and was forced to scurry around like a beetle,  dodging beneath the radar whenever she hoved into view.

Said man did what he could – at great expense – but told us our telephone firm would need to finish the job.  I rang them up (from the end of the street!) and they promised to send an engineer ‘within the hour’.  The following afternoon, while Mrs C was at the hairdressers (a stroke of fortune!),  I received a call from a man called ‘Bob’, who said he was knocking on my door and feared I might be unwell as I refused to answer.

I asked if he’d used SatNav to find our house and, when he said he had, I told him that was why he hadn’t found it,  and was knocking on someone else’s door instead.

He said as it was now past his finishing time, he’d try again the day after and that, in the meantime,  I must ‘hang on in there’.

He eventually turned up this morning, told me his life story over a cup of tea, and finally, after a lot of tutting, sighing and other physical tics that reminded me of our late plumber Dave,  said he’d restored our telephone connection and that would be £95 plus VAT.

Bernard was not here to witness the joyful moment as, earlier in the day,  he’d caught a train to Edinburgh.  He should have caught a train to London, but, somehow, I managed to wave him off from the wrong platform.

Mrs C said she couldn’t believe a man could be so unlucky as to catch the wrong train twice in a fortnight.

I said nothing.  And – I’m not going to insult your intelligence here  – I think you know why.

Having logged on again – as the young people say – I find I have more spam.

This first one is a bit over the top, but sums up the way I feel right now:

are you really of this world?  a guiding force must have led me to you in my hour of need.  thank you for your posts which have done so much good for me and others who seek the truth

The next message makes me vow to do better:

 don’t get what you’ve said, but i always appreciate different points of views

And this last one brings me right down to earth:

could you improve your way of writing?

Thought for the Day

‘Put a hammer in my husband’s hand and you’ve put together two things of roughly equal intelligence.’

Norma Fling (No relation)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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4 Responses to All is well again…

  1. OK, I have to give in and ask, having puzzled over the clues to no avail, where did you ring the phone man from and, more to the point, how did he call you back? Telepathy? Bush telegraph? I thought it must have been Bernard’s mobile secretly hidden in the garden shed until I recalled he had only borrowed one to call you from the train.

    • chestercrump says:

      Well done! As the late Captain Mainwaring would have said, ‘I wondered when someone would spot that’. You win the prize for ‘Howler of the Week’ (mine, of course, not yours), and a slice of cheese is on its way.

      The entry has now been amended, so no one else need think they’re getting any free Gorgonzola in the post!


  2. Sunni Morris says:


    I like reading your crazy stories.
    Today I gave you the Lovely Blogger Award, Please go here to get the rules and the button for your website:

    Have fun!

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