British justice strikes again…

According to today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper our judges read’, so we know it favours law and order), a court in Shropshire has just freed a teenaged lad who beat one of our old folk senseless with a five-foot post.

Not for nothing is the British legal system feared by law-abiding citizens around the world!

To be fair – and it’s right we back our judges when they come up trumps – the old fool was asking for it.

Apparently, he’d spotted the boy slipping out of a neighbour’s window, clutching a laptop and hailing a passing cab to take him home. (I’ve made that last bit up, but I’m sure you get the drift.)

Foolishly, he asked the lad to stop, return the goods and say sorry for what he’d done.  Faced with threatening language, the boy – not surprisingly – feared for his life, and did what any of us might on spotting a trained killing machine approaching rapidly at half a mile an hour.   He picked up a post and whacked the old man over the head several times to quieten him down.

Realising his assailant was still conscious, despite a sound thrashing, our lad panicked.    Possibly he reasoned – and who could blame him? – that the old buffer wasn’t even human:  that he’d been biologically refashioned, had metal arms, some sort of hard drive for a brain  and maybe a cannon built into his knee.

In the circumstances,  understandably,  he hit him again – in self-defence, I think we’d all accept – and ran off into the woods, screaming ‘legal aid’, and calling for a lawyer.

Beating up our old folk is seen by some inside as almost on a par with doing nasty things to children.   As such,  our lad feared that, if he did time,  he might not leave with all his bits intact.  If it was all the same to them, he told the court,  he’d rather they let him go.

The magistrates, being reasonable folk, took all of this on board and said he mustn’t worry; they wouldn’t dream of sending him away for anything so trivial.

Some say the British legal system lacks compassion, but,  to prove us wrong, they let the old man go, too.  Which some might argue, was more than he deserved.

Quite frankly, I think he got off lightly.   I can’t believe the fence post wasn’t badly damaged, and possibly had to be replaced.   Some judges would have made him pay for a new one.

As soon as the lad was freed,  he was straight onto Facebook to tell all his mates he was off into town to smoke something illegal by way of celebration.

Good for him.  He’d been through a lot and it would be churlish of us to deny him a little pleasure.

As for the old man,  let’s hope he’s learned his lesson and doesn’t interfere in crime again.

No good ever comes of it.

Thought for the Day

‘I’m in prison for my beliefs.  I believed the bank had sacked its security guards.’

Oliver Cromwell



About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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5 Responses to British justice strikes again…

  1. Dean Gregory says:

    The absolute cheek of that old man. I hope our young friend isn’t too badly shaken.

    Then again, perhaps not sending him to prison is a pretty good punishment. If anything, our young friend should’ve been sent into prison to help him cool down after his difficult ordeal.

    • I believe he’s OK. And, having smoked something he shouldn’t, is currently under the impression he can fly. He was last seen heading in the direction of a tall building where he hoped to test out his new powers. I’ll keep you updated as to unfolding events.

      Prison may have been the softer option as readers will discover by visiting this splendid link. 🙂

    • Ankur Mithal says:

      Sound observation. At least it would keep him safe from the old man and prevent the possibility of the old gent getting him into trouble again.

      • Many thanks for popping in. I’m out of cheese – my usual prize – so have taken the liberty of adding a link to your excellent blog on my ‘links’ page.

        Alphabetically, you currently top the pile! Possibly someone will now rename their own blog by adding several ‘A’s to the front. But until then… 🙂

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