And not to be outdone…

Hard to believe,  I know, but hot on the heels of my recent post (‘British justice strikes again…’) – another tale to make the blood run cold.

According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper our PCs read’, so we know it uses a lot of short words), a man was arrested by police, after handing in a thug for shooting his son.

What happened was this.

A youth,  armed with an air pistol,  waylaid a boy, aged 12, in the park, and asked him to kiss his feet.   When the boy said he’d rather not, if it was all the same, the villain said that it wasn’t all the same at all, and shot him several times,  to teach him some ‘respect’.

Our police don’t look kindly on folk who run around with guns,  deeming it an outrage for anyone to ‘blow away’ an innocent passer-by.   That’s their job, and they guard it jealously.

In this case, however, they became confused and sided with the thug instead.   Enlistment numbers are down, and, being handy with a pistol,  they may have viewed him as a potential recruit.   Crime’s gone through the roof since Sherlock Holmes passed on and isn’t around to help anymore – and I think the excitement went to their heads.

Having given the thug an issue of ‘Careers in the Met’ and asked him to think it over, they then arrested the shot boy’s dad on suspicion of assault and possessing a deadly ‘knife-shaped’ weapon.  (The thug having told them he’d been ‘done up like a kipper’ and attacked with a ‘blade’ while minding his own business – and feet – in the park.)

The thug had no marks or other signs of attack, but this didn’t bother our boys in blue,  who know a few tricks when it comes to  ‘not leaving bruises’, so didn’t see this as a stumbling  block.

The deadly ‘knife-shaped’ weapon turned out to be a bunch of keys.  Another blow, but undeterred, they scampered on,  sensing blood, and possibly the much sought-after Cressida Dick Award for ‘Policeman of the Month’.

Having photographed, fingerprinted and DNA-ed the boy’s dad, they threw him in a cell for 7 hours, and went off to search his house.   They found a few books, which confused them a little,  but other than that, the place was clean.

The injured boy himself is currently too scared to leave his house and suffers from headaches and nightmares.  That’s no concern of the police, of course, who know a scoundrel when they see one.    Quite frankly, he was lucky not to be arrested for wasting their valuable time.

A Met spokesman was later quoted as saying, ‘A 43-year-old man was subsequently released with no further action.’

That was largely because he hadn’t done anything – a technical ground on which, the police argue, too many innocent folk have often escaped justice.

The spokesman continued: ‘The Metropolitan Police Service is committed to serving and protecting all sections of the public.  This involves investigating allegations of crime in an impartial manner based on the facts which are known to us at the time.’

He might have added,  ‘Unless, of course, a man is innocent, in which case our preference is to shoot him in the head several times until he stops moving.  Unfortunately, on this occasion,  our officers had left their guns at home, and the man was released before a constable could hurry back to his house and get one.’

He didn’t add that, of course.   But if I’m pretty sure that if I’m taken into custody on the grounds I’ve said something I shouldn’t, the resulting publicity will make me a millionaire.  So if you’re offended,  by all means take this matter further.

In the meantime, the only thing the boy’s father is taking any further is himself and his family – as he now plans to up sticks and head for Singapore.   Sad, but true.

Of course, it won’t do him any good.    As the man from the Met concluded,  ‘He can run, but he’ll never be able to hide.’

He didn’t really say that.

But I bet he wanted to…

Thought for the Day

‘When a clever gang of thieves were caught red-handed in a Dublin bank, police immediately sealed all the exits.  So the gang escaped through all the entrances.’

The Two Ronnies (BBC TV)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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4 Responses to And not to be outdone…

  1. Mariask says:

    Lawks! And here’s me thinking you only read The Guardian – and here you are, showing the world that you actually read the Daily Mail

    I’m assuming this story is true but, not being a Mail reader, I can’t be sure…

    Blimey. I’m glad I live in France. Where our lovely gendarmes are too busy looking cool to actually *bother* anyone.

    • I should make it clear, I don’t buy the Mail myself. Harold lends me his copy and highlights items of interest.

      Our police only look cool in the winter, when temperatures here drop almost as low as they do in the summer. It’s rare to see one on the streets after 1 December, as they huddle round the station radiator, playing cards and making up funny songs.

      Something like that. 🙂

  2. Dean Gregory says:

    Unfortunately, I really can’t say I’m shocked to hear this.

    Have you heard the one about the would-be thief who fell through his victim’s roof as he looked for a way in? He sued the victim for not having a roof strong enough to support his weight… And the joke is on us, of course.

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