Here we go again…

According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘The paper that supports the right to bare arms’, so we know they don’t employ a proofreader), a man has been arrested after he shot two suspected burglars who broke into his house in the early hours of the morning.

I’m not sure why they are only ‘suspected burglars’.   Possibly  the police feel they may have been there on lawful business – though what that could be at one in the morning is anyone’s guess.

Local authorities have cartloads of powers these days, so it may be they’d sent someone round to check our boy had planning permission for a new wardrobe.  He didn’t wait to see their papers,  jumped out of bed and let them have it with both barrels.

Nothing would surprise me.

It wasn’t the first time thieves had broken in.  Some reports suggest this was the fifth, so he’d probably had enough and took the law into his own hands.  It’s hard to blame him.   Our police rarely take the law into their own hands, unless you’re wearing a jacket on the Tube or off down the shops in your car.

Judging himself to be under attack (yet again), our hero grabbed his weapon, pulled on a string vest and hurtled into action.   His house is in the middle of nowhere, so, rather than take the risk of being tied up and crudely interfered with (always on the cards when the council come calling), he chose to shoot first and ask questions later.

Though the gun was legally held, it’s a criminal offence in the UK to defend yourself against burglars, so he was just being silly and we can’t be sympathetic.

After winging two of the thugs – possibly in the bottom, though the Mail, being a family paper, was understandably coy for fear of upsetting its elderly readers – he called the police, confessed to his crime, and asked to be taken into custody.

A PC duly arrived,  chucked him in a cell and threw the key over a hedge where it couldn’t be found.   (That last bit’s not true.  But sometimes the facts need to be embroidered a little in the cause of entertainment.)

Not surprisingly they also arrested his wife – for not hurling herself in front of a bullet.  She selfishly placed her own safety before that of a man with a stocking over his head, and it’s only right she does some time.

People often assume the worst of our police, but on this occasion they acted promptly and mustn’t be chastised.

Burglars, of course, are allowed to carry any number of weapons with which to defend themselves against householders with guns.  If you hurt one while going about his usual business, you can be sent to prison for life.   Which some – the judges, mainly – don’t think is long enough, and we should bring back the rope.

Once a court has let him go – a right enshrined in law and for which millions of our old folk died in two world wars to win for him – a burglar will take you to court and get a brief on legal aid to sue you senseless.  Often because he can’t get out of bed for a month (the burglar, not the lawyer!) , so has lost his only source of income.

Meanwhile, a police spokesman revealed that,  ‘Inquiries are ongoing and there is  little else we can add at this time.’

Other, of course, than to remind us that we in the UK have the best legal system in the civilised world.    No two ways about it.

Though it often depends on which side of the fence you’re standing.

Elsewhere in the news,  Mr and Mrs Spam have been in touch again.  Here’s a brief selection from the file:

I just want to mention I’m all new to blogging and site-building and really loved your blog site. Most likely I’m likely to bookmark your blog . You amazingly have fantastic stories. With thanks for sharing your web-site.

i agree with you buddy

your website is very stylish and modern. and your articles are all informative 

this is great news

It is indeed!


Thought for the Day

‘Flattery is telling other people exactly what they think of themselves.’

Mr and Mrs Spam (No fixed abode)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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4 Responses to Here we go again…

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    The burgled strike back.

    And the cops have complained that the rise of militancy in the burgled has reduced burglaries and threatened their livelihood; of standing by and tut-tutting while they happen.

  2. Met Police advisory service says:

    People keep getting it wrong. You must knock the burglar out, prop him up at the window sill, place a toy gun in his hand, phone the police and tell them you have hostages. When the police arrive, pop a balloon and they’ll shoot him for you. Job Done……..

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