Bernard takes a turn for the verse…

Bernard is at a loose end,  and has emailed me some limericks:

There was a young man from Dumfries

Fell in love with a girl named Louise

Her best friend (called Mary)

Revealed she liked dairy

So he wooed her with slices of cheese.

 ***

There was a young man from Dundee

Who decided to run off to see

If the world was his oyster

And camembert moister

Than stilton, Red Leicester and brie.

 ***

In my youth I drank far too much cola

Which discoloured and damaged a molar

For a shiny new shilling

My dentist was willing

To repair it with ripe Gorgonzola.

 ***

There was a young beauty called Hedda

And all the boys wanted to wed her

One asked,  ‘Would you risk it,

For a digestive biscuit?

And a slice of the best English cheddar?

***

Quite honestly, I think he’s just being silly.

Meanwhile,  no word from Harold.    I may pop round this evening,  and see if he hasn’t made a bad situation even worse…

Thought for the Day

‘A publisher of today would as soon see a burglar in his office as a poet.’

Henry de Vere Stacpoole (1863-1951)

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About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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2 Responses to Bernard takes a turn for the verse…

  1. Oh dear, I’m obviously too late with an idea for a gentle let down over the estate.

    Perhaps he should ask her to send some more photos – of when she was younger. If she realises that Harold might have problems recognising her at the airport she might stop asking for money? But don’t tell Harold that – just get him to think it would be nice to photos of her as a child.

    • You’re not too late – you’re too early! You’ve replied to a story I’ve not yet posted.

      That time machine is up to no good again. As you’ve suggested on a previous occasion, it bears the mark of the terrible twins, Harold and Bernard.

      Go back three places and don’t collect any money if you pass Go. 🙂

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