Some shocking news! Literally…

According to a report in this morning’s Daily Mail (‘the paper our tradesmen read’, so we know it’s good for a quote), an electrician was tasered by armed police after he walked into a shop in Swansea, with a screwdriver in his pocket.

That showed him!

Our tradesmen often get a bad press, largely for not turning up when they say they will, leaving halfway through a job, then charging you twice as much as the original estimate because there’s an ‘R’ in the month.  But is that a good enough reason to electrocute them?  I’m not convinced.

It seems our man had been repairing lights in a nearby pub, before repairing himself to a local department store.

So-called ‘city rangers’ spotted him en route and leapt into action.   City rangers patrol the streets, much like Superman, except they don’t have super powers.  On the plus side they don’t have a weakness for Kryptonite,  so can’t be held to ransom by a villain with a small, green rock.

Generally, their job is to pick up the rubbish and tell you what time it is if you’ve left your watch at home.     So it’s hardly surprising that, on spotting a man with a screwdriver in his pocket, they panicked and flew into a tizz.

They didn’t tackle him themselves, possibly for fear that, unlike them, he did have super powers.  Instead, they called the police,  said they were under attack,   and could someone be despatched to bring the villain down.   Preferably with lethal force.

Our police love nothing more than to bring a villain down, especially if it involves the use of lethal force,   so stopped whatever it was they were doing – arresting an old lady for driving in the slow lane, I expect – and raced to the scene, tooled up and ready for action.

Too often, a superhero will give his foe the chance to surrender, at which point he pulls out a bomb and tries to blow up the world.   Our police had read a few books on the subject so went into battle prepared.

When challenged, the villain put his hands up straightaway.  That’s a standard ruse, employed in the hope of calming things down.    Our police aren’t stupid.   Villains often put their hands up just before they fly into the air and escape.  They weren’t falling for that one again, and promptly opened fire.

50,000 volts is enough to bring down a herd of elephants so an electrician had no chance, however many screwdrivers he had in his pocket.

Our man was subsequently charged with a public order offence – namely going to the shops armed with the tools of his trade.   On this occasion, the magistrates wouldn’t play ball,  and dismissed the case as being a waste of public funds.

Much like the police, and the local city rangers.

Andrew Smith, prosecuting, said: ‘This was something of an unfortunate incident’.

That’s putting it mildly!    Especially if you’re an electrician, whose hair now stands on end, and gets invited to parties for all the wrong reasons.

A police spokesman added, ‘Don’t blame us when a giant robot arrives from Mars, with a ray gun attached to its head in the shape of a screwdriver,  and we don’t open fire in case it turns out not to be a real ray gun after all, and people laugh at us.’

Well, I suppose that’s a risk we’ll have to take.

More shocking news … any minute now

(Click on above image to enlarge)

Thought for the Day

Is that a screwdriver in your pocket?  Or are you just sorry to see me?’

PC Ivor Taser-Andiknowhowtouseit


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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3 Responses to Some shocking news! Literally…

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    Good thing you warned us.

  2. Pingback: Did you get my postcard? | Cheese Will Set Us Free

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