Sunny side up!

According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper our naturists read’, so we know it favours an all-over tan), a drink-driver has been sentenced to lie on the beach for a week.

And not any old beach, either.  This one’s in the south of France where the sun is so fierce it can boil a man’s brain and the ladies don’t always wear a top.

It seems our villain – a solicitor (which may explain why he went off the rails) – has a rare skin condition called ‘being a bit pasty’.   Apparently,  if he doesn’t lie on a beach for 7 days a week and watch the world go by,  he comes out in a rash that puts his clients right off and they go to another firm.

The court was all set to send him down for life (or possibly 12 weeks, but the outcome’s the same, either way).  He’d fled to Sri Lanka first time round, where he hid in a cupboard for six months, so they relished a chance to take off the gloves and give him a good hiding.

They were halfway through checking the books to see if they could bring back the rope for this one,  when he piped up and said he was a solicitor; at which point they asked if he’d like a cup of tea and did he have any complaints.

He said his only complaint was this thing with his itchy skin and he’d deem it a great kindness if they could let him go as he had a plane to catch.

They weren’t too sure at first, but he promised to send them a postcard, and a photo of a lady with no top if he could take one while she wasn’t looking.  At which point they wished him a safe trip and told him not to forget his lotion.

I’ve had cause, on previous occasions, to mock the law for some of its silly decisions.   On this occasion,  however,  I’ve nothing but praise for the way the court behaved.

I’m off down the pub now and plan to drive home in a hurry.  The weather’s turned cold and a fortnight in the sun would set me up for winter.

Thought for the Day

‘Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother…’

Cardinal Thomas Wolsey

(1473-1530)

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About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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4 Responses to Sunny side up!

  1. bearbrain says:

    Oh, you had me rolling in the aisles – I just love your humour!!

  2. And I just love your comments! Thank you very much.

  3. As always, this was a deviously mischievous — and decidedly brilliant — literary romp.

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