Not with a bang, but a whimper…

Harold has popped round to bring me up to date with his love life.

The last we heard, Olga had been into his pocket for a few hundred quid:  recompense for costs incurred after he backed out of tying the knot;  or at least meeting her at the airport armed with a fisftful of roses.

That latter option, of course, was no option at all, Harold having spun her a tale about owning half the county and being on first name terms with the Queen.

The going rate at the time was £1500 after which, Mrs C informed me (following an unusually large sherry), Olga would also go, and not be seen again this side of Armageddon.

I told Harold much the same – omitting details of the sherry (and any references to ‘fool’) – but he told me his mind was made up and he would do the ‘decent thing’.

It seems he did, and coughed up the readies by ‘Paypal’, which is,  he informs me, a financial transfer between friends.

Deciding to finally come clean – though only up to a point – he also told her he’d lost his entire fortune after investing it in soap.  The company had been undercut by a man in China and he was now as poor as a church mouse.   Still, he had his health, and that was all that mattered.  He assumed she would feel the same.

She said she didn’t feel the same at all, and that she would need some time to ‘think things over’.    In the meantime, however, could he be more precise as to what he meant by ‘lost his entire fortune’.  Harold wrote back and said he meant all of it, that being the usual meaning of the words ‘lost’ and ‘entire’.

He hasn’t heard from her since and hopes she’s all right.  He wonders if perhaps he should phone the Russian Embassy and have them send a man round to make sure she hasn’t done anything silly.

I tell him not to worry and that, in the world of electronic romance, there are probably lots more Keira Knightley lookalikes paddling in the pool.  He thinks things over for a few seconds, then mutters something about magicians and domestic life not really mixing, so he may have had a lucky escape.

When I tell Mrs C, she responds that if you call being £1500 down on the deal to a woman in Vladivostok called Olga, but whose real name is probably Boris, then he may be right.  Boris she adds, has got off lightly.

In the meantime, Mrs and Mrs Spam have been in touch again:

i always say, simple is best and your website demonstrates it so well.

I’m not entirely sure I haven’t been insulted there.  And as for this one – they seem to be accusing me of pinching stuff from other people!

I found something similar elsewhere.

On the subject of which, people do sometimes say the funniest things.  Here are a few examples.  (I’ve removed any reference to the speaker’s identity.   I’ve no wish to hold politicians, police officers and TV announcers up to ridicule.  That wouldn’t be fair.)

‘How mortally wounded is he?’

‘Let’s see if we can find someone who speaks braille…’

‘So,  can you point to anywhere on the map that’s undiscovered?’

‘Having a baby is one of the hardest and most strenuous things known to man.’

‘We appeal for anyone who may or may not have seen something suspicious to come forward.’  (OK – that was a policeman!)


Thought for the Day

When I said his was a one-man show … I was speaking of the audience.’

(Nothing to do with Harold.  Honest.)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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7 Responses to Not with a bang, but a whimper…

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    You certainly have a thing for Olga…
    BTW, the reference to “paypal” is hilarious.
    Permit me to submit a modified version of your policeman remark. A well-meaning school-teacher, trying to reduce the time spent on marking attendance in class, goes – “will all the children absent please raise their hands”.

  2. Mr C Lyon says:

    At last you are back, i was beginning to think you had stolen a march (whatever that means) on Big H and had maybe run off with Olga with the money you made on the African mines. Keep up the good work (although i think you have too much time on your hands to call it work).

    • I think there’s something decidedly fishy about your comment… I should be rich by now, but the money hasn’t gone into my account. Shame, I had my eye on a nice yacht. And possibly a restaurant. Ah, well, that’s life… 🙂

  3. I’ve had more communications from your friends, too but I wonder if there is a case of mistaken identity – OK the 20 lines or so of links to who knows what other sites might be seen as their trademark but why the strange story of a child on the beach?

    Did you know I had a job offer from them once? I foolishly turned it down thinking I could make more money writing for magazines!

    • ‘Why the strange story of a child on the beach…?’ That sounds like an intriguing lead-in to a tale that will keep us all on the edge of our seats.

      You should have taken the job. It just involves emptying words out of a bucket and seeing where they land.

      • Reckon you’re right – here’s the latest:

        ‘Ugg boot For Inexpensive – What You Call for To Know’ – that’s quite poetic, isn’t it?

        (Hey, does Harold have a poetry bucket amongst his equipment – you know, one of those where you throw words in, stir them up, leave to stand as it says on the wallpaper paste packets, and they come out as poetry?)

        But getting back to the child on the beach, you really want the next instalment? Well, here goes:

        ‘I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” ‘

        How much of these offerings can we quote without running into copyright issues?

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