Bernard’s full of hot air…

According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper that likes to recycle the news on a regular basis’, so we know it takes global warming seriously), the UK could run out of energy in just three years’ time.   I’ve no solution to the problem, but have just received the following email from Bernard, who has written to the Prime Minister as follows:

‘Dear Sir or Madam,

Environmentalists tell us we’re running out of energy faster than a ferret up a nun’s pyjamas.    That’s not the news we want to hear!     The world needs more energy, not less if it’s to combat the perils of global warming.

At this rate, air conditioning will become essential in the summer, when temperatures may climb as high as 4000 degrees Celsius.

By contrast, if scientists are to be believed (which they sometimes are), our winters will become noticeably cooler,  possibly falling right off the end of the typical household thermometer.   We’ll need to turn up our central heating dial several notches,  possibly as high as 90 degrees in old money.  If not, we may freeze to death during dinner, maybe as early as the first course.

To save our skins,  we’ll need to find what the tree-huggers like to call ‘renewable forms of sustainable energy’.  It’s a big phrase for a big problem, but we mustn’t let that get us down.

Some say wind farms are the answer and that if we can squeeze several million of these monsters onto our already overcrowded isle, we’ll be able to run twice as many cars as at present.  We may even have some spare wind left over to sell to the Arabs at exorbitant rates, which must be a Good Thing,  with exports currently at a record low.

But is this really the solution?  I’m not convinced.

A wind farm is nothing more than a collection of giant fans.  Once they’re all switched on (and think of the electricity needed to power them – they’ll use up all our remaining stocks of gas, coal and oil in a fortnight, if not sooner), the country will be plunged into sub-zero temperatures.  We’ll need to crank up the central heating dial in summer as well as winter.  Entirely counter-productive, in my opinion.  I may not be a scientist, but it’s pure common sense and we ignore it at our peril.

So wind farms are out.   No point saying they’re not.

What to do with the ones we already have?  I’ve put on my thinking cap, and come up with the following dodge.

We move them all over to Great Yarmouth on the Norfolk coast, and turn them in the direction of The Hague.   The moment it gets too hot for us to handle, we switch them all on at once and they’ll act like a powerful outboard engine, only bigger.  We’ll be off across the Atlantic Ocean like a shot (Ireland may sustain some minor damage, but that’s a price we’ll have to pay).  Wales will take the brunt of any collision, but the rest of us should be safe enough.

Once we’re up and running, we can sail around until we find a more suitable berth.  Not all the world will have become uninhabitable, and, being mobile, we’ll be able to search out the best bits, settle down and start life again.

Some may say the scheme is seriously flawed, but, quite frankly, they’re not living in the real world.

Yours sincerely,

Bernard Fling (Major)(Retired)’

It’s my opinion he’s been drinking again.

Thought for the Day

After four martinis my husband turns into a disgusting beast.  And after the fifth, I pass out altogether.’

Mrs B Fling (No relation)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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10 Responses to Bernard’s full of hot air…

  1. The ex-Mrs Hines, LVll says:

    I have it on good authority that it’s the overconsumption of baked beans that’s responsible for global warming.

  2. Ankur Mithal says:

    Is this what is meant by “superiority in the air”?
    BTW, could you tug Asia along?

  3. The worrying thought is, does the PM realise that you are a party to all this? Or did Bernard safely send his letter then email you the contents as an afterthought?

    • He certainly did. He also wrote the letter on special paper (purchased in bulk from a man down the pub) which disintegrates after being handled for five minutes. By the time they decide they should pay Bernard a visit, all evidence that he ever wrote to them in the first place will have safely vaporised.

      So he tells me.

      • So all is well until someone in authority stumbles across this blog.

      • At which point, my arrest and incarceration will generate much-needed publicity. Mrs C is already knitting a selection of T-shirts – into which she will sew the motto, ‘Free The Cheddar 1′. Though (strictly between the two of us) I’m open to suggestions for something a bit catchier.

        With luck, I may gain a follower or two, and be interviewed on the television. Possibly by Phlilip Schofield, Or the late Robin Day.

  4. julielees says:

    It’s the tanning salons that most concern me. How are these poor people to stay in business if the temperatures rise to 4000 degrees Celsius? I think a whip-round is in order.

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