According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper that likes to recycle the news on a regular basis’, so we know it takes global warming seriously), the UK could run out of energy in just three years’ time. I’ve no solution to the problem, but have just received the following email from Bernard, who has written to the Prime Minister as follows:
‘Dear Sir or Madam,
Environmentalists tell us we’re running out of energy faster than a ferret up a nun’s pyjamas. That’s not the news we want to hear! The world needs more energy, not less if it’s to combat the perils of global warming.
At this rate, air conditioning will become essential in the summer, when temperatures may climb as high as 4000 degrees Celsius.
By contrast, if scientists are to be believed (which they sometimes are), our winters will become noticeably cooler, possibly falling right off the end of the typical household thermometer. We’ll need to turn up our central heating dial several notches, possibly as high as 90 degrees in old money. If not, we may freeze to death during dinner, maybe as early as the first course.
To save our skins, we’ll need to find what the tree-huggers like to call ‘renewable forms of sustainable energy’. It’s a big phrase for a big problem, but we mustn’t let that get us down.
Some say wind farms are the answer and that if we can squeeze several million of these monsters onto our already overcrowded isle, we’ll be able to run twice as many cars as at present. We may even have some spare wind left over to sell to the Arabs at exorbitant rates, which must be a Good Thing, with exports currently at a record low.
But is this really the solution? I’m not convinced.
A wind farm is nothing more than a collection of giant fans. Once they’re all switched on (and think of the electricity needed to power them – they’ll use up all our remaining stocks of gas, coal and oil in a fortnight, if not sooner), the country will be plunged into sub-zero temperatures. We’ll need to crank up the central heating dial in summer as well as winter. Entirely counter-productive, in my opinion. I may not be a scientist, but it’s pure common sense and we ignore it at our peril.
So wind farms are out. No point saying they’re not.
What to do with the ones we already have? I’ve put on my thinking cap, and come up with the following dodge.
We move them all over to Great Yarmouth on the Norfolk coast, and turn them in the direction of The Hague. The moment it gets too hot for us to handle, we switch them all on at once and they’ll act like a powerful outboard engine, only bigger. We’ll be off across the Atlantic Ocean like a shot (Ireland may sustain some minor damage, but that’s a price we’ll have to pay). Wales will take the brunt of any collision, but the rest of us should be safe enough.
Once we’re up and running, we can sail around until we find a more suitable berth. Not all the world will have become uninhabitable, and, being mobile, we’ll be able to search out the best bits, settle down and start life again.
Some may say the scheme is seriously flawed, but, quite frankly, they’re not living in the real world.
Bernard Fling (Major)(Retired)’
It’s my opinion he’s been drinking again.
Thought for the Day
‘After four martinis my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether.’
Mrs B Fling (No relation)