It’s all relative (ity)…

According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper that’s finally lost its hold on reason’, so it believes everything it prints), Albert Einstein is alive and well and living in Malaysia.

What the Mail describes as ‘astonishing pictures’ have been taken of the late Mr Einstein living in a tree.  The reason he’s living in a tree is not owing to reduced circumstances, following the worldwide recession,  but because these days he’s settled down to life as a monkey.

As the Daily Mail pertinently asks, ‘Would you accept a physics lesson from a monkey who claimed to be a professor?’

It’s a straight question, and deserves a straight answer.  That answer, in most cases,  being ‘No’.  (At least it was when I was at school. Though, to be fair, I failed science so may not be the best judge.)

The man who took these ‘astonishing pictures’ is another physics expert, 66-year-old Professor Mihail Nazarov.  According to the Mail, he ‘noticed the likeness immediately and quickly took some shots to prove his theory’.

What his theory is they don’t explain.  Possibly that the Daily Mail will print anything if it’s daft enough and there’s a Thursday in the month.

They continue:  ‘From his receding white hair to his sprouting moustache, the baby monkey is a double for the man behind the legendary E=MC² equation’.

And there’s more:   ‘The stump-tailed Macaque looks even more like the genius German scientist because of his wrinkled face, which belies his tender years’.

Einstein took his place in the history books in the early twentieth century and is often regarded as the father of modern physics for his work on the theory of relativity.

Now, as the Daily Mail can exclusively reveal, ‘his furrowed brow can be seen again – not bent over a pile of books but swinging through the branches of a tree’.

In case further proof were needed, their reporter adds a useful ‘comparison chart’, confirming that Einstein and the primate are one and the same.

For example,  ‘Einstein is best known for his mass-energy equivalence formula E=MC², the world’s most famous equation’.    Amazingly, the monkey is best known for ‘testing hair regrowth products for balding humans, because they too lose hair with age’.

I’ll be honest.  From time to time I’ve wondered if the Daily Mail is a serious newspaper.   This story proves beyond a trace of doubt that it is; and it’s not afraid to print the stories other journals – such as The Sun and the Daily Sport – choose to reject.

Finally, as if further proof were needed (which, in my opinion, it isn’t), they print a photograph of Einstein and the monkey.

Spot the difference

 (Click on above image to enlarge)

  I think that settles it.

Thought for the Day

An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff … and prints the chaff.’

Adlai Stevenson



About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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8 Responses to It’s all relative (ity)…

  1. Her Indoors says:

    I think he looks more like Jimmy Savile, but we won’t go there.

  2. Ankur Mithal says:

    After reading it for several weeks, I am constrained to denounce your blog as one possessing clean, wholesome, humour and wit.

  3. That clearly explains a lot. A lot of what I’ve not quite worked out yet. But it clearly explains it.

    It is a wise man who knows he has something to learn from the humblest of God’s creatures. (But maybe that is not a monkey?)

    Does this all mean that the energy you gain from eating a slab of cheese can be calculated by multiplying its weight by that universal constant thingy twice over?

  4. Einstein is reputed to have claimed that ‘imagination is more important than knowledge’. I think he would be pleased with your approach to this one.

    He came up with his theory of relativity after wondering what it would be like to sail through space on a beam of light. Who can say where your thoughts on cheese will take our scientists?

  5. julielees says:

    The resemblance is uncanny and given my school science results, back in the days when Einstein were a lad, I think a monkey would have been better placed to be my teacher – if only to direct me in the intricate nuances of banana etiquette. I think we should all hail the Daily Mail for achieving such remarkable feats in journalism.

    • I agree. You’d never get this sort of story in the posher papers.

      As for bananas – definitely my favourite fruit, so possibly I was Einstein in a previous life.

      Many thanks for ‘popping in’!

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