The wanderer returns…

Did you miss me?


Fair enough…


I’ve just got off the phone from Bernard.   He’s had a call from India.  (Not all of it, obviously, just a man in a booth trying to do him a good turn.)

The chap was trying to flog him ‘solar pants’ – underwear powered by the heat of the sun that would keep him warm in winter, and probably the summer, too.

Bernard says he thinks the fellow ‘wasn’t the full shilling’ because he wanted to know which way his roof faced.  This puzzled Bernard who couldn’t see the link between the top of his house and what he wore for comfort.    When the man asked again, Bernard gave in gracefully and told him it faced the sky – which roofs generally did, in his opinion, otherwise they weren’t roofs.

Changing tack, our man asked if the thing pointed west, which puzzled Bernard even more.   ‘It doesn’t point anywhere,’ he informed his assailant (his word not mine). ‘It generally just sits there and does nothing.  Except in a strong wind when it tends to shed a few tiles and howl like a bear’.

The man became quite agitated when Bernard asked what colours the pants came in, and did they do them in Extra Large?

The chap’s spelling wasn’t up to much, apparently.  He seemed convinced there was an ‘e’ in the word ‘pants’, no ‘t’ and an ‘l’ holding up the rear.   It made Bernard think the fellow wasn’t phoning from Delhi at all, but from somewhere in the UK.   Bernard has a jaded view of our national education system and went so far as to suggest it might have been an English teacher down on his luck. (I think he has a bee in his bonnet.)

In the end, the man said he would pass Bernard over to his ‘supervisor’, after which things went from bad to worse.

This new chap said they would send a man round to ‘take a few measurements’, and would Bernard be in on Tuesday?   Bernard said his ‘measurements’ were his own concern and he wasn’t letting a man in a booth shove a ruler down his trousers.   When the man said they would bring their own ladder, Bernard said he wasn’t that tall and they were obviously having a laugh.

He told me he put the phone down at that point, though I suspect it was a close-run thing.

Thought for the Day

You know it’s summer when the chair you’re sitting on gets up when you do.’

Henry the Hot (Duke of Burgundy 1103-1147)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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10 Responses to The wanderer returns…

  1. Ah, Chester . . . The wait was well worth it! Delightful humour as always. Thanks for brightening my day and, certainly, many others’.

  2. Dean Gregory says:

    Oh, Chester, how I’ve missed you.

    My my, these telemarketers have some cheek, don’t they?

  3. Ankur Mithal says:

    Welcome back!

    Your spellings are a giveaway. You’ve been to India, haven’t you? Each and every word in this post spelt correctly!!

    And since you seem to have developed a fascination for the Queen’s (not any past or present, but possibly a future one, going by spellings) English, you might be able to understand the following piece written by a fellow blogger:

    • Many thanks, Ankur. You’re right, of course – standards are often far higher away from the home ground. (And, indeed, I really have been to India – twice!)

      What an interesting link. Many thanks for posting it. It’s probably how we will all write in years to come, what with the rise of text speak. That, and we’ll all have a forefinger the size of a marrow!

  4. We’ve all suffered from confusing phonecalls so it definitely rings a bell.

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