We can all sleep soundly in our beds…

According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper our super heroes read – free bar of Kryptonite with every issue!’),  legendary crime-fighter, Batman, has upped sticks from Gotham City, USA and moved to Bradford.

This is a coup for our police and no mistake!   The men in blue need all the help they can get, and will be dancing in the cells now an expert’s on the job.

Hardly off the plane, and our hero has already been caught on film,  handing in a thug (possibly ‘The Joker’, we can’t be sure) to his local ‘nick’.  According to the Mail, an officer was quoted as saying, ’”Batman came up to the help desk, said “I’ve caught this one for you”, then vanished into the night.’  He added, ‘His identity remains a mystery’.

Apparently, he said it with a straight face, which may go some way to explaining the Mail’s later description of Bradford as being ‘crime-ridden’.


Fortunately, the Mail has had the sense to pixilate Batman’s face so as to protect his secret identity (billionaire Bruce Wayne, c/o 43A Nelson Mandela Street (above the chippy), Bradford.)  The villain is pixilated, too, having had 18 pints at ‘The Frog and Ferret’, three vodka chasers and a chicken kebab.

America has had a long and proud history of producing men in tights, willing to risk life and limb to make our cities safe:  Superman, Green Lantern and The Human Hedgehog to name but three.   Here in the UK, we lag behind in the hero stakes, having had no one to look up to since Robin Hood threw in his bow.

In a previous post, I touched on the possibility of a cheese-powered superman, ready to take on the crooks, though some of you misunderstood and thought I was having a laugh.

I wasn’t, and have now made up my mind. Don’t tell anyone – villains especially (no sense asking for trouble!) – but I’ve decided to don a pair of British tights (M&S, ‘Made in Turkey’) and take to the streets myself.

Here’s a photo, taken in the newly refurbished ‘Cheese Cave’.  (My secret underground HQ where I’ll do things with Bunsen burners, while waiting for the police to call.)  The current Mrs C knitted the costume – in red, white and blue!  (That was Bernard’s idea.  He’s put in for the role of ‘plucky assistant’, though his gout may prove a handicap.  Especially if we’re being chased by a man with a large stick.)

Cheese Cave4

Though I have eyesight that would make a pilot weep, I’ve donned a pair of glasses so no one will know it’s me.  (It worked for Superman, whose secret identity was raven-haired beauty Lois Lane – played on TV by Desperate Housewives’ lovely, Teri Hatcher!  Some thought he was really Clark Kent, but they were wrong, and fools to have been taken in.)

So next time a ‘masked man’ walks into a police station and asks what he can do to help, it’ll be me, not the so-called ‘Caped Crusader’.  (Of course, it could also be a burglar, chancing his arm.  I may have to give the police a sign so they know the difference.  Bernard suggests the following, which he says will indicate I am ‘the one and only!’):


It’s worth a try.

As Bernard would put it:   ‘British Thugs for British Heroes’!

Thought for the Day

‘If you can keep your head while all those around you are losing theirs, you probably haven’t grasped how bad things are.’

Boris the Bawdy (King of Bulgaria 1104-1156)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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6 Responses to We can all sleep soundly in our beds…

  1. Bobino says:

    Mr Crump, I do hope it’s true – the world truly needs a superhero like you. “To emmental and beyond.”

    • It’s true, and will no doubt be reported in the Daily Mail, Sport, Star and other quality papers – once they run out of proper news again.

      I’m currently working on a ‘utility belt’ – just like Batman’s! It will have various cheese-related gadgets to get me out of trouble. So far these small but indispensable items consist only of cheese. However, this will prove useful should I find myself up against a giant mouse from the future – always on the cards when you’re a super hero.


  2. mm cheese. i once wrote 101 interesting facts on cheese… such as that, in France, it is estimated that there are more brands of cheese then actual people. This leads to awkward moments such as the Paris case in 1978 when a large slice of Cantal got the job of chief ocular surgeon at the local hospital.

    tis true i tell thee

    thankyou and goodbye

    • I love it!

      What a wonderful notion.

      What’s more, I believe every word of it – and look forward to hearing more.

      Thanks for making me laugh first thing! 🙂

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