And on the seventh day…

According to a report in last week’s Daily Mail (‘the paper that gives it to you straight’, so we know the story’s true), police in Essex took SIX days to respond to a 999 call, after a couple came home to find a gang of thieves ransacking their house.

One of the villains, caught red-handed with the family hoover, claimed to be cleaning the drive as an act of kindness.   That might have fooled a policeman, had one bothered to turn up, but it cut no ice with the wife, who – having heard a few excuses in her time – knew a scam when she saw one.

As the quick-thinking couple called for back-up, the crooks piled into a car, drove through the garden wall and scarpered for their lives.

Police car

The Daily Mail has thoughtfully provided us with an artist’s impression of what a police car looks like. It appears to have been abandoned in a hurry.   (Possibly our heroes saw the villains coming and opted for discretion over valour.  Nothing would surprise me, especially if our boys had left home without their Tasers.)

A spokesman for the men in blue was quoted as saying, ‘We are looking into the background of this case, but it would appear the callers did not receive the response they should have.’

That’s putting it mildly!    Still, on the plus side, when a policeman finally arrived, he didn’t shoot the happy couple – the usual procedure on these occasions – or arrest them for having a hole in their wall,  contrary to building regulations.

The spokesman added,  ‘We will examine [the matter] to see if there are lessons we can learn to prevent this happening again.’

(One of those lessons being – presumably – ‘If someone phones in to report a crime, we get off our bottoms and investigate.’)

Having dug himself a moderately deep hole, he then sent out for a larger spade:

‘The Thurrock area is covered by a number of different policing teams including Neighbourhood Crime Teams, Neighbourhood Policing Teams, Response and Patrol vehicles and the Criminal Investigation Department as part of the Force’s borderless policing concept. ‘

Leaving aside the burning question  – ‘What on earth is a “borderless policing concept”?’ – he concluded,   ‘Despite having so many resources at our disposal, it was unfortunate the incident took place on the same night as the final episode of the popular detective series Lewis.  So,  to be fair,  if anyone’s to blame, it’s ITV for scheduling the programme after 9 o’clock when no one wanted to go out.’

He didn’t really say that, but, let’s face it, if he had, would any of us have been surprised?

Thought for the Day

‘My wife caught me standing in front of the mirror with my eyes closed. I was trying to see what I looked like when I was asleep.’

PC Anon (Not his real name)

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About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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6 Responses to And on the seventh day…

  1. Hats off to you (used ones, of course) for another rib-tickler, Chester. Interesting isn’t it: the closer such stories get to the truth the more humorous they become.

    • Many thanks, as ever, James, for your kind remarks. You’re right about some of these stories. Occasionally, I think it’s impossible to enhance the humour that was there in the first place. That’s life! 🙂

  2. Ankur Mithal says:

    Thankfully you are back to writing these posts. Totally hilarious. And written with the writing equivalent of a deadpan expression!!

  3. I think the clue is in ‘concept’ – it’s all in the mind.

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