In for a penny…

Bernard doesn’t know when to stop. He’s sent me another four pictures, with the suggestion that I should ‘Publish and be damned’.

Which I probably will be.

But I’ll take him down with me!

aPPEALPleaseMummyX Lawyer2NeedsThought for the Day

‘He became a High Court judge – an honour few people receive while they’re still alive.’

Cyril Fling (no relation)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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6 Responses to In for a penny…

  1. Hey, it doesn’t much connect to Bernard’s pictures but I know you have quite a liking for original bits of spam. I don’t know how original this is – I’ll leave you and your legal expensive friends to be the judge of that – but I’d not come across it before and there it was sitting in my spam box just waiting to add a bit of intrigue to someone’s day. And guess what? You’re that lucky someone!

    So, without more ado. The latest wisdom from SPAM:

    3% of the light falling on the Sahara and Middle East deserts to meet all of Europe’s energy needs. All the materials needed could be found at your local hardware store. When these photons strike a solar cell, they may be reflected or absorbed, or might just pass through.

    • That’s absolutely hilarious. Better than anything I could come up with. Do you think people are actually paid to produce this sort of material? What’s the job interview like? The wages? Holidays? Pension scheme?

      ‘So – what do you do for a living?’ ‘I speak gibberish. In 14 different languages.’

      It strikes me this piece of spam would have been particularly apt for my recent post reporting on Bernard’s failed attempt to order some solar-powered pants. I’ll drop him a line and let him know if he heads down to his ‘local hardware store’ (though doubtless he’ll take offence and insist it’s an ironmongers in his neck of the woods), he can buy all he needs to build his own solar-powered Y-fronts.

      As always, I’m much obliged! 🙂

  2. This one was surely meant for you, not me – do the SPAM people think I’m your personal postman or something?

    Flat stomach and a thinner physic will significantly change our life in the additional confidence as much as even providing you with that ever
    dreamed profession in life. There are now many light gourmet varieties and Laughing Cow has several flavors of a light, spreadable cheese that are very tasty and creamy, yet low in calories.

    Get the majority of your carbs from veggies, whole fruits, berries and nuts.

    • You can’t fool me. That’s an extract from your latest novel. Well, I’m sold, and am off to Amazon to place my order.

      It’s good to know that others appreciate the health-giving qualities of three pounds of cheddar a day. It’s made me the man I am, and no mistake!

      • Sorry to disappoint you but I haven’t actually worked any cheese into my novel so far. I’ve been editing a long and tedious motorway journey in which the driver is beset by demons.

        I read somewhere some advice that a scene can be made more immediate and compelling by removing the character’s name and pronouns. Just state a thought, don’t say, she thought, noticed, wondered, etc. Well, on a slow rainy motorway journey there was a lot of that sort of thing. So I did a lot of editing. And ended up with rather a lot of passive sentences which I wasn’t entirely sure about. Still, I’d got rid of a lot of pronouns. Then I read some more advice that says edit the passive sentences to become active!!

        No-one suggested a cheese sandwich between service stations. Might that solve the problem?

      • A cheese sandwich solves all problems!

        Have you read How to Give Advice and Teach Yourself Nothing by Gladys D Trout? I recommend all her works, especially in their original Esperanto. Other than that – keep up your good work!

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