Everyone’s gone to the moon…

According to a report in the Daily Mail (‘the paper our astronauts read’, so we know it’s to be trusted on extra-terrestrial matters), a man from Whitby has fathered a child out of wedlock – with a woman who lives on the moon!

Simon Parkes, a Labour politician and father of three (one of them a lizard with a ray-gun attached to its head!), appeared on ITV’s This Morning to reveal he has ‘frequent relations’ with a lady called ‘Cat’, who may or may not have evil designs on the planet.

The child’s name is Zarka – which means ‘doesn’t exist’ in Cat’s tongue, a language Simon has taught himself out of a book he borrowed from the library.

Cat first appeared in the 1960s when, despite his mum’s warning never to get into a flying saucer with an alien bent on world domination, Simon – an impressionable 5-year-old – said ‘Yes please, miss,’ when Cat asked if he’d like to see her puppy.  And possibly a crater on the moon.

Following some traditional probing, he was given a bag of sweets and told not to mention the incident to others ‘in case they think you’re a bit bonkers’.   Over the next five decades, Cat came for him four times a year, and, true to his word, Simon kept their secret under wraps.  He didn’t even tell his wife – for fear ‘she wouldn’t understand, lose her temper and throw me out’.  (Which she did.)

He said he was only speaking out now in the hope of encouraging others to come forward with their own tales of alien abduction, without looking silly.   ‘Just because races like the Daleks have tried to destroy Earth on a regular basis,’ he said, ‘doesn’t mean they’re all bad’.

Asked if he thought his beliefs made him unsuitable to represent his constituents, Simon insisted it wasn’t a problem as the aliens agreed with all his policies and favoured his party’s manifesto, especially on tax.   Besides which, Cat never comes for him during meetings as she doesn’t like large gatherings of people.

Simon says Cat is from a race of green aliens called Mantids, who are seven feet tall and wear cloaks.    A gifted artist, he’s produced a drawing of one of them (see below).


Curiously seductive alien life-form

‘Some people can’t handle the truth’,  he told the Mail’s reporter, before announcing he would ‘have to finish now as the fairies who live at the bottom of my garden need feeding’.

A spokesman for the NSPCC, who take a dim view of aliens from beyond the stars interfering with our children – even if they do grow up to be politicians – said, ‘We take every allegation seriously, especially if they’re really stupid ones that get our name in the papers’.

Meanwhile, officers at Operation Yewtree – the ongoing investigation into allegations of child abuse dating back to the 1960s – have revealed that a 900-year-old Time Lord from Gallifrey is ‘helping with inquiries’ and ‘an arrest is expected shortly’.


Ed Cyberband

Thought for the Day

‘When I was a child, fairy tales began, “Once upon a time…”.  Now they begin, “If I’m elected…”’

Harold from next door (Yes!  He’s still alive and well!)


About Chester Crump

Chester J Crump has spent a lifetime in cheese. His company, CC Cheese Ltd, was voted Door to Door magazine’s ‘Smallest Retailer of the Year’ from 1985-2007. Cheddar Today described him as ‘Chester Crump, aged 45’, while the UK’s most successful broadsheet, The Daily Telegraph, has never mentioned him at all. In his spare time, and under a completely different name, Chester has written gags and sketches for a wide range of TV and radio shows both in the UK and mainland Europe (BBC1, ITV, S4C, Radio 2, Radio 4 and the World Service – among others). A published writer for children, teenagers and adults, he has also performed stand-up comedy across Yorkshire and, in 2011, at the Edinburgh Fringe. Ten years ago, he was rumoured to be the constant companion of Sarah Michelle Gellar – TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and, more recently, that girl out of EastEnders whose name no one can remember. When he’s not writing his blog, Chester attends second-hand hat conventions, and has what many believe to be the largest collection of used headgear in Yorkshire. He is married to a woman, and lives in a house. All the above is completely true – with the possible exception of the bits about cheese. And Buffy. And EastEnders. And hats.
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14 Responses to Everyone’s gone to the moon…

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    Great to see another post from you. The last line, caption on the human picture, is a killer.

  2. julielees says:

    I saw Mr Parkes recently on a Channel 4 (I think) documentary talking about his alien life, wife and little alien offspring. He is obviously a most misunderstood soul, and I consider his earth wife to be lacking in warmth and understanding if she objects to him trekking off to the far side of the galaxy, a few times a year, for a supernatural bonk. More politicians should follow his lead. Our planet is already overpopulated.

  3. I always thought it was the editors to blame for no longer being able to start our stories with the time honoured ‘Once upon a time’. Are you suggesting it’s the aliens or the politicians? Or has Harold himself had a hand in it?
    What motive, I’m wondering, does he have for sabotaging the best opening line ever?

  4. Chester
    Once again, an erudite discourse of pertinent impertinence making eminent (plus imminent) sense. Scary! Very scary!! Aliens bedamned!!!

  5. Pingback: Once upon a time | Rosalie Squires

  6. One upon a time…

    Thus starts my latest offering.

    Are you still on the moon, by the way? Not heard from you lately.

    • Rosalie – I must apologise for not getting back to you. Yes, I’m on the moon. And the rumours are true – it is made of cheese! I’m mining the stuff like crazy and, when I return to earth, I plan to clean up. Every variety is here and the price will go through the floor once I dump it on the market.

      If you have shares in Camembert, sell them at once.

      That apart, I think my blog may have as much life in it as a once-famous dead parrot. But thank you for caring!

  7. Herindoors says:

    More cheese needed!

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