Opinion is divided…

So where do you stand in the great debate?

We love cheese

 

No more cheese

Thought for the Day

‘Too much of a good thing … can be wonderful.’

Mae West (1893-1980)

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We can all sleep soundly in our beds…

According to a report in today’s Daily Mail (‘the paper our super heroes read – free bar of Kryptonite with every issue!’),  legendary crime-fighter, Batman, has upped sticks from Gotham City, USA and moved to Bradford.

This is a coup for our police and no mistake!   The men in blue need all the help they can get, and will be dancing in the cells now an expert’s on the job.

Hardly off the plane, and our hero has already been caught on film,  handing in a thug (possibly ‘The Joker’, we can’t be sure) to his local ‘nick’.  According to the Mail, an officer was quoted as saying, ’”Batman came up to the help desk, said “I’ve caught this one for you”, then vanished into the night.’  He added, ‘His identity remains a mystery’.

Apparently, he said it with a straight face, which may go some way to explaining the Mail’s later description of Bradford as being ‘crime-ridden’.

Batman

Fortunately, the Mail has had the sense to pixilate Batman’s face so as to protect his secret identity (billionaire Bruce Wayne, c/o 43A Nelson Mandela Street (above the chippy), Bradford.)  The villain is pixilated, too, having had 18 pints at ‘The Frog and Ferret’, three vodka chasers and a chicken kebab.

America has had a long and proud history of producing men in tights, willing to risk life and limb to make our cities safe:  Superman, Green Lantern and The Human Hedgehog to name but three.   Here in the UK, we lag behind in the hero stakes, having had no one to look up to since Robin Hood threw in his bow.

In a previous post, I touched on the possibility of a cheese-powered superman, ready to take on the crooks, though some of you misunderstood and thought I was having a laugh.

I wasn’t, and have now made up my mind. Don’t tell anyone – villains especially (no sense asking for trouble!) – but I’ve decided to don a pair of British tights (M&S, ‘Made in Turkey’) and take to the streets myself.

Here’s a photo, taken in the newly refurbished ‘Cheese Cave’.  (My secret underground HQ where I’ll do things with Bunsen burners, while waiting for the police to call.)  The current Mrs C knitted the costume – in red, white and blue!  (That was Bernard’s idea.  He’s put in for the role of ‘plucky assistant’, though his gout may prove a handicap.  Especially if we’re being chased by a man with a large stick.)

Cheese Cave4

Though I have eyesight that would make a pilot weep, I’ve donned a pair of glasses so no one will know it’s me.  (It worked for Superman, whose secret identity was raven-haired beauty Lois Lane – played on TV by Desperate Housewives’ lovely, Teri Hatcher!  Some thought he was really Clark Kent, but they were wrong, and fools to have been taken in.)

So next time a ‘masked man’ walks into a police station and asks what he can do to help, it’ll be me, not the so-called ‘Caped Crusader’.  (Of course, it could also be a burglar, chancing his arm.  I may have to give the police a sign so they know the difference.  Bernard suggests the following, which he says will indicate I am ‘the one and only!’):

english-verbs-give-the-middle-finger

It’s worth a try.

As Bernard would put it:   ‘British Thugs for British Heroes’!

Thought for the Day

‘If you can keep your head while all those around you are losing theirs, you probably haven’t grasped how bad things are.’

Boris the Bawdy (King of Bulgaria 1104-1156)

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Just hanging around…

The Plan(With apologies to the artist, Nick Galifianakis – whose work can be seen at http://www.nickandzuzu.com. Which I mention in the hope he won’t sue me.)

Thought for the Day

‘I’d rather have been a judge than a miner.  Being a miner, as soon as you’re too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go.  Whereas the very opposite applies to judges.’

Peter Cook (1937-1995)

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The wanderer returns…

Did you miss me?

No?

Fair enough…

KEEP CALM

I’ve just got off the phone from Bernard.   He’s had a call from India.  (Not all of it, obviously, just a man in a booth trying to do him a good turn.)

The chap was trying to flog him ‘solar pants’ – underwear powered by the heat of the sun that would keep him warm in winter, and probably the summer, too.

Bernard says he thinks the fellow ‘wasn’t the full shilling’ because he wanted to know which way his roof faced.  This puzzled Bernard who couldn’t see the link between the top of his house and what he wore for comfort.    When the man asked again, Bernard gave in gracefully and told him it faced the sky – which roofs generally did, in his opinion, otherwise they weren’t roofs.

Changing tack, our man asked if the thing pointed west, which puzzled Bernard even more.   ‘It doesn’t point anywhere,’ he informed his assailant (his word not mine). ‘It generally just sits there and does nothing.  Except in a strong wind when it tends to shed a few tiles and howl like a bear’.

The man became quite agitated when Bernard asked what colours the pants came in, and did they do them in Extra Large?

The chap’s spelling wasn’t up to much, apparently.  He seemed convinced there was an ‘e’ in the word ‘pants’, no ‘t’ and an ‘l’ holding up the rear.   It made Bernard think the fellow wasn’t phoning from Delhi at all, but from somewhere in the UK.   Bernard has a jaded view of our national education system and went so far as to suggest it might have been an English teacher down on his luck. (I think he has a bee in his bonnet.)

In the end, the man said he would pass Bernard over to his ‘supervisor’, after which things went from bad to worse.

This new chap said they would send a man round to ‘take a few measurements’, and would Bernard be in on Tuesday?   Bernard said his ‘measurements’ were his own concern and he wasn’t letting a man in a booth shove a ruler down his trousers.   When the man said they would bring their own ladder, Bernard said he wasn’t that tall and they were obviously having a laugh.

He told me he put the phone down at that point, though I suspect it was a close-run thing.

Thought for the Day

You know it’s summer when the chair you’re sitting on gets up when you do.’

Henry the Hot (Duke of Burgundy 1103-1147)

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Guess who?

Oh, you did.

Don’t worry – I’m not yet back.  Just popping in with a message from the Major.  His book X Marks The Spot (recently described by no less an intellectual than the British Foreign Secretary, William Hague as ‘fascinating’ – absolutely true; he’s shown me the letter) is currently freely available on Amazon Kindle.

You’ve all downloaded it three times already, but may have friends who have nothing to read and have been badgering you for months to let them know when this one comes up again.  So here it is.

I’ve just checked and it’s currently at Number 55 in the ‘Top 100 Free Humour Books’. Even better, it’s at Number 6 in the Top 100 ‘Politics and Current Affairs’ – just behind A Book of Remarkable Criminals by Henry Brodribb Irving.  And closing in fast on Karl Marx and his Communist Manifesto.

The Major also has another book out – Bernard to the Rescue!   You can see details on the ‘Books’ page (above), but don’t go splashing out your cash.  It’s rubbish – and, besides, he’ll be offering it for free before the month is out, so it would be foolish to waste 77p – or whatever that is in real money.

In the meantime, I came across the following earlier today.  You may have seen it before, but if not, hopefully you’ll find it amusing/enlightening in these economically straitened times.

Something like that.

silly-humans-19173

Till next time – be good!

Thought for the Day

‘A friend is someone who will help you move.  A good friend is someone who will help you move a body.’

Anon (for obvious reasons)

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Season’s Greetings…

… to one and all!

Thanks for following me – even when I’m not here and there’s nothing to follow.  Have a Happy Christmas and a safe, successful and cheese-packed New Year.

Mrs C and I are off to Bernard’s for a week.  Christmas lunch with the old fool should be fun.  (Well, it should be – but it generally isn’t.)   Wish me luck!

I’ll give him your regards.   I know you’d want me to.

Happy Christmas

The following are on my Christmas list.  Fingers crossed Santa thinks I’ve been good this year:

The Complete Book of Bacon William J Hogan (Northwood Books, 1978)

Food for Survival After a Disaster.  With Plates Raymond Charles Hutchinson (Carlton: Melbourne University Press, 1959)

Play With Your Own Marbles J J Wright (S W Partridge, c 1865)

Learn to Croon Brand Larkin (W Foulsham & C0, 1936)

The Strange Story of False Teeth John Woodforde (Routledge and Kegan Paul, 1968)

Fresh Air and How to Use It Thomas Spees Carrington (1912)

The Art of Invigorating and Prolonging Life … To which is Added The Pleasure of Making a Will William Kitchiner (1822)

[With thanks for all the above to: Bizarre Books by Russell Ash and Brian Lake (Pavilion Books Ltd, 1998) ]

Thought for the Day

“I had a terrible row with my wife on Christmas morning. 

She said, ‘You’ve done absolutely nothing to help with Christmas dinner!’

I said, ‘What do you mean? Look at the turkey – I’ve plucked it and I’ve stuffed it.  Now all you’ve got to do is kill it and put it in the oven!’ “

Cedric the Careful

King of the Franks (634-651 AD)

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Free at last! Or at least again…

Don’t worry – I haven’t gone back on my promise to leave you all alone for a while.   Bernard’s been in touch and says that, for anyone who missed it first time round (deliberately or otherwise), his book X Marks The Spot is being offered for free for the next 48 hours on Amazon kindle.  The link to the UK site is:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/X-Marks-The-Spot-ebook/dp/B008OJ0ICO/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1352716035&sr=1-1

The link to Amazon.com is:

http://www.amazon.com/X-Marks-The-Spot-ebook/dp/B008OJ0ICO/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1352716198&sr=1-2&keywords=x+marks+the+spot

For anyone who doesn’t own a Kindle, you can download an app for your PC/laptop/fridge/washing machine etc here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_ipad_mkt_lnd?docId=1000425503

But you probably knew that anyway.  Or, if you didn’t, you don’t want to.  Not in the circumstances.

If you want to look before you go to any bother at all, hasten over to: https://cheesewillsetusfree.wordpress.com/extracts-from-x/

Put your feet up, have a cup of tea.  And a small digestive biscuit.  Preferably of the chocolate kind.

Keep well!

Chester

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