According to a report in the Daily Mail (‘the paper our astronauts read’, so we know it’s to be trusted on extra-terrestrial matters), a man from Whitby has fathered a child out of wedlock – with a woman who lives on the moon!
Simon Parkes, a Labour politician and father of three (one of them a lizard with a ray-gun attached to its head!), appeared on ITV’s This Morning to reveal he has ‘frequent relations’ with a lady called ‘Cat’, who may or may not have evil designs on the planet.
The child’s name is Zarka – which means ‘doesn’t exist’ in Cat’s tongue, a language Simon has taught himself out of a book he borrowed from the library.
Cat first appeared in the 1960s when, despite his mum’s warning never to get into a flying saucer with an alien bent on world domination, Simon – an impressionable 5-year-old – said ‘Yes please, miss,’ when Cat asked if he’d like to see her puppy. And possibly a crater on the moon.
Following some traditional probing, he was given a bag of sweets and told not to mention the incident to others ‘in case they think you’re a bit bonkers’. Over the next five decades, Cat came for him four times a year, and, true to his word, Simon kept their secret under wraps. He didn’t even tell his wife – for fear ‘she wouldn’t understand, lose her temper and throw me out’. (Which she did.)
He said he was only speaking out now in the hope of encouraging others to come forward with their own tales of alien abduction, without looking silly. ‘Just because races like the Daleks have tried to destroy Earth on a regular basis,’ he said, ‘doesn’t mean they’re all bad’.
Asked if he thought his beliefs made him unsuitable to represent his constituents, Simon insisted it wasn’t a problem as the aliens agreed with all his policies and favoured his party’s manifesto, especially on tax. Besides which, Cat never comes for him during meetings as she doesn’t like large gatherings of people.
Simon says Cat is from a race of green aliens called Mantids, who are seven feet tall and wear cloaks. A gifted artist, he’s produced a drawing of one of them (see below).
Curiously seductive alien life-form
‘Some people can’t handle the truth’, he told the Mail’s reporter, before announcing he would ‘have to finish now as the fairies who live at the bottom of my garden need feeding’.
A spokesman for the NSPCC, who take a dim view of aliens from beyond the stars interfering with our children – even if they do grow up to be politicians – said, ‘We take every allegation seriously, especially if they’re really stupid ones that get our name in the papers’.
Meanwhile, officers at Operation Yewtree – the ongoing investigation into allegations of child abuse dating back to the 1960s – have revealed that a 900-year-old Time Lord from Gallifrey is ‘helping with inquiries’ and ‘an arrest is expected shortly’.
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Thought for the Day
‘When I was a child, fairy tales began, “Once upon a time…”. Now they begin, “If I’m elected…”’
Harold from next door (Yes! He’s still alive and well!)